Some Advice


by Ellen Huggins

The best advice that I can give to a young person is: never get chubby.

Never let it happen to you, because it really does really really BLOW.

One reason why you should never get chubby, is that then you won’t have all these thoughts  about it that you can never really talk to anybody about, because you’re so afraid that you’re not going to hearing other people’s opinions will make you feel so much worse, so then you have to write a  so nobody can interrupt you and then you don’t have to write something awkward like this that you have to read aloud to 20 people.

I used to be so skinny. Like ridiculously skinny.  I remember looking in the mirror and saying dear god am I  skinny and dear god I am happy about that. I was so skinny, I used to make fun of fat people. I remember picking up a book at the book fair in the seventh grade, called How to Lose 5 Inches Fast and turning to my two friends and saying “Hey look, how stupid is this?” And then tried to make a double chin, but I was too skinny at that point to make one so I just pushed out my stomach like I was pregnant. Looking back at this experience, at the weight I am now, with the level of human kindness and decency that seem to have sky rocketed in the past few years, all I have to say to my past self is F*CK YOU. If I was at that bookfair right now, I would probably be straight up putting that book on my Amazon wish list. How did it all of this happen? 

I really can’t say. It happened very slowly. There’s a process to your metabolism mysteriously disappearing into the abyss. First, you don’t notice anything. You say to yourself, “I’m just getting a little curvy,” while you go back to eating an entire pudding in one spoon.  Then, after that, you realize that, things start progressing a little too fast. But you’re still pretty skinny, so you say to your friends, “Look how fat I am! Ugh, I’m so chubby I wish I was skinny like you guys.” But you aren’t really saying these things to be agreed with. You’re saying these things because you want someone to disagree with you.  Don’t let this stage go too far, because the last thing you want is to stay that you’re chubby, and have someone agree with you. I am in the stage where I just don’t talk about it, even though I pretty much know that everyone notices it.

For example, I am best friends with two very skinny girls, which is inconvenient for me because all they seem to like to do is  sharing size 0 clothes with each other and sitting on people’s laps.Whenever I go to their houses, and I forget a coat or something, they always give me one of their mom’s. Just because I weigh more than you does not mean I am 45 years of age.  And for the whole sitting on the lap thing, at this point, I am the one who gets sat on. Which is so much worse, sitting on people’s laps is only “fun” if you’re the one sitting on someone. When you’re sitting on someone, you feel cute and tiny, like “look at me I have comfortable seat on someone’s body, how silly is this hehehehe.”

But when you’re the one being sat on, you just feel like human couch or Frankenstein, watching the humans have fun while you’re stuck in your monstrous frame. They also enjoy making things awkward about my weight. Not necessarily ever saying, “We think that you’re fat” but definitely hinting at it. They say things like, “I think if we all had to be either Beyonce, Rihanna or Nicki Minaj. you would be Nicki. Body type wise.” And, if we’re talking about High School Musical, and someone brings up the hip hop dancing girl, they say,”Oh you mean the….(LOOKS AT ME)  bigger one” because I think that THEY feel uncomfortable about saying fat in front of me. And one time the exchange student from Switzerland said, “Ellen if you were a Disney character you would be Gus Gus.” You mean the overweight mouse? English wasn’t even her first language and she was coming for me. Would I also be Jabba the Hutt in Star Wars, bitch? Watch it.

This god damn hubris that I have to see everyday is just too much. Sometimes, I think that these “friends” of mine are going to put on their college applications: “For charity work, I was friends with a girl who was weightly challenged.” Just because I might be heavier, doesn’t mean that I am some giant walking cheese curd, and just because you are skinny , that doesn’t make you Heidi Klum. Everything is based on genetics. They’re not dealt out based on how worthy you are as a person. It’s not like God was so utterly charmed by you that he decided to slip you some skinny thighs. You didn’t choose your genes , and I definitely didn’t choose mine. And I am not going to waste my time jogging, when I could be napping and not enjoying pudding just to share your ratty ass clothes. And, I would like to think that years of evolution happened so that I could figure out how to sit on a f*cking chair.


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