Month: September 2016

I Hate Crushes But I Like You, Part Three: Charles. Or, It Gets Worse.

by Ellen Huggins

So, I was questioning my coolness last time, right? You think things have improved since then? Read on.

I have a friend, who I’ve known all the way back to the 5th grade, who I’ve always known I’m cooler than. It was a constant in my life.

Wow, I have braces but at least I’m cooler than Charles.

Yikes, I had a kidney stone like an old man or that troll from “Frozen,” but I’m still cooler than Charles.

I can’t run the mile in gym but Charles a dweeb.

My friend’s name is Charles, by the way.

Anyway, I was talking to Charles the other day in front of the school, waiting for my mom to pick me up, (i know, cool) and I asked him about his love life. I asked him, “So, Charles, have you ever been on a date before?” Why did I ask? I don’t know. I was feeling insecure and needed a picker-upper. I expected the response of “d-d-d-d-d-d-date? with a-a-a-a-a-a girl???” or at least a hand across the forehead to signify uncomfortable sweating.

“I actually have a girlfriend,” he told me. “I’ve had a girlfriend for the past year, and I had one in freshman year, too. So yeah, I’ve been on plenty of dates.”

I had been hit. With a bat or the truth, I couldn’t tell. They both probably hurt equally.

Charles was cooler than me. He was wearing a “knowledge is power” t-shirt and smelled like b.o. but he was getting more action than me?? He asked me, “So have you?”

I lied, of course, but when he left, probably to make out with this apparent girlfriend who I later found was a girl I just thought was just his very close friend who liked to touch him a lot, I was still in shock. And why is it “cute” for guys to be sensitive, wear childish graphic Ts, and have braces, but when I do all those things, guys still don’t like me? I watch “Bridget Jones Diary” all the time, and I love puppies, and I’m still hurt that my friends didn’t like my Hannah Montana group costume idea for Halloween, but apparently this is still not good enough for boys.

What do you want?

I mean, I’m very confused. From what I’ve seen in movies about boys, they love the really hot girls who have huge boobs and wear jean shorts. I can do the jean shorts thing, but everything else, man, that’s just genetics. That seems to be how boys like girls, but in movies where the protagonist is a girl who’s just average, somehow a moderately okay boy seems to like her just fine! I’m starting to believe that this whole ‘boys pursuing girls’ thing is just an urban myth, because look at One Direction, Justin Bieber, any male celebrity really.  Do you see how 13 year old girls follow these guys around like the reason they are alive is to worship them. How the ancient grecians used to sacrifice goats at the altars of Zeus, and Hera, these girls are sacrificing their family cats at the altars of Chris Hemsworth and Alex from Target. Why do you think that cute boys, who have no talent other than being attractive, have hordes of girls who follow them no matter what they do? It’s because there is a severe shortage of boys that want to date average girls. I believe that they are an urban myth. I mean, don’t get me wrong, boys have the capacity do have to girls attractive. But just insanely hot women.

The other day in history class, all the boys collectively agreed that the blonde girl from “Transformers” (NOT Megan Fox) is the hottest woman alive. I looked her up, and can I say it? I don’t see it. I know, that’s coming from me, but the absolute hottest? I couldn’t even pick the hottest woman alive. I would have to know her personality. Because I’m not like a boy, and I don’t think of girls like hunks of MEAT!!!! Sorry, that might have been kind of unfair.


This is Ellen from the future. I’m re-reading this now later and I just feel like this whole crush thing is stupid. It fluctuates, kinda like herpes. Right now, I can’t see why I was freaking out.

This is Ellen from the future of the future. It’s back. I really do like Asparagus. I completely disagree with the past-future Ellen and agree with the past Ellen. Asparagus looks nice in sweaters, and strangely enough I feel like his choice of backpack is one of the best things about him.

The crush is back.